Signs Signs Everywhere There Are Signs

We have many sign holders in Palm Bay. The Correct term is Sign Waver. It seems like every company wants to get in on the action. I had a chance to chat with a few .
you see them on the side of the road almost everyday advertising Income Tax Preperation, Mattresses, Apartment Rentals, Fitness Centers and the same guys for years at the interstate interchanges begging for money with their will work for food sign. We all know that one is pure bull shit. Just offer the guy some work and you can hear about his back injury or some other load of crap. We have a Pirate on Palm Bay Road holding a sign for Apartments and we have little Ceasers girls telling us they have Hot and Ready Pizza for 5 Bucks. Tax time is always fun with the statue of Liberty dude at Malabar exchange the kid was crazy, dancing up a storm.
So does this type of advertising work. It must because these folks are out there on a regular basis making between 8 and 10 bucks an hour. Liberty Tax puts thousands of people to work across the Country every year doing it and now they are the #3 Tax preparers in the USA.
My Favorite Sign Waver in Palm Bay is Fred Flintstone real name Joel.
He is out there all the time for many different companies in his Fred Flintstone costume. He is a Free lancer and sets his own rates. He works at a Senior Care Center and makes ends meet doing the sign wave. Honk if you see Fred he thrives on the attention as do most of these guys and gals.
The City is still anti sign unless of course it is a sign supporting the May 12 Election. Many still adorn street signs and road sides. But Holy crap try putting a garage sale sign out on a Saturday Morning they will come by and pluck it out of the ground before you know it.

What The Hell Am I Doing?

I started this Blog because I was pissed off. I have lived in Palm Bay for over 25 years now. I have seen the population explode. Palm Bay's population grew by over 237.0% since the 1980s. We had problems back then and despite promises from Mayor after Mayor and City Council after City Council the same old problems still plague Palm Bay today. And the majority stems from rapid growth without a plan that works or how about No plan at all. I have watched the City work on their little pet projects while ignoring the rest of the Town. They never even come close to getting the big things done. But we have a "Buy American Policy" and that got the Mayor on National TV and the taxpayers higher costs. I have seen a City's population vote for a huge tax increase that gave us the highest millage rate in Brevard County. That was supposed to solve all of our problems. Didn't even come close. Yes it fixed a bunch of stuff, but poor planning and rapid continued growth just caused a whole lot more problems. But we have some pretty landscaped medians with sprinkler systems especially leading to BaySide. Houses kept being built at an astounding rate. The housing bubble swelled and the money rolled in. Where did it go? Well the housing bubble burst and we are stuck in a serious mess again. Some of our past Government Officials never really had the City's best interests in their plans. Thankfully some are gone never to return, Like the useless Helen Voltz who ranks up there with the worst of the worst. Some headed off to work their magic in the County Government. Once there, they seemed to forget about Palm Bay and set their sights on even higher offices. They sucked while serving Palm Bay how will they be any better in a job with bigger responsibilities? The rest of the County will suffer because of them.
We have a City who's population just doesn't turn out at the polls to vote unless maybe it's The first time a Black man, or make that half black, half white man had a chance to be President. Then they Flock there. The numbers of people who vote in Palm Bay is dismal at best.
This Blog was meant to be Satire. You know funny. I know a good portion of Palm Bay residents probably do not know the definition of satire so here you go: sat⋅ire  /ˈsætaɪər/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [sat-ahyuhr] Show IPA
–noun 1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
2. a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
3. a literary genre comprising such compositions.
I know the rest of the County except maybe Cocoa knows what the word means.
So I wanted to have a little fun while doing this, and especially if it was at the Mayor or other City officials expense. Judging from the comments I get in my email at palmbaysucks@florida.usa.com , Many people find some things offensive. If I offend you... Sorry but I have no plans on stopping. Many people find it funny and get it, and I like that. One of the biggest requests I have gotten is that I should write positive things. You know the good things about Palm Bay, and I can think of a few and you will see some soon.
I would rather focus on the negative because that's what this Blog is about. How many times have your friends who live beach side or even Melbourne given you grief about Palm Bay. The negative can be painfully funny because the truth does hurt. The majority of residents of Palm Bay seem not to care about so much in our City. Things are just swept under the rug. You would be surprised how much stuff ends up under that rug. Crime, shady business deals, and such, maybe I just want to give you a peek under that rug.

I have stayed off of the Palm Bay police because I think they have a full plate and do a good job with what they have to work with, but some things like the flying paragliding cops will have to be discussed. Its a funny subject and ranks up there when the Palm Bay PD had to wear helmets while driving their patrol cars. I get just as pissed as you when I get a traffic ticket but I deserved the ones I have received. I wish they would cut us a break every once and a while.

We have a reputation in the County as a high crime area and for the most part I think its true, just read the local section of FL Today on line or buy the bird cage liner edition. Read the comments after FL Today articles Palm Bay has a reputation and it is negative through out the County and just why is that? Is it all just a nasty rumor?
Do you realize we have real gangs here in Palm Bay? The criminal kind, bad dudes, people. There is so much shit going on and it seems like no one really knows or cares. The police deal with this garbage everyday. If I were you I would arm myself and learn how to protect your family. Its a big City area wise and the Cops cant be everywhere. And it continues to get worse. I want to do a ride along with the Police and let you know how it goes. I just don't want my cover blown just yet.
We have no business district, no major shopping Center and no Down Town Area. Half the City has no city water or sewage. The City has no movie theater. And most of our shopping district sits on West Melbourne property they get the tax benefit and we get the traffic problems. What are we famous for? Bad roads and Cheap Housing. But damn if we don't have a freaking world Class Golf Course "The Majors". We are the biggest City with the largest population in Brevard County and we cannot attract businesses here. Why?? So we head North to Melbourne and West Melbourne and spend our money there. Unless you go to Walmart Home Depot or Lowes. At least they had the balls to set up shop here.
We are treated by Brevard County like a red headed step child. We do not get much from the County in $$ dollars or respect and that should have changed a long time ago but it has not. I am just repeating what I hear others saying and I want you to laugh about it and say that's true. You would not believe how many people told me they had the very same thing happen at their Garage sales with the Haitian Woman. Because its true! Some called me a racist. Why? Because I told a true story about Jamaicans and Haitians.
I write this Blog because I enjoy it and I make a few cents from it. When you click on the advertising I get a penny or two. Please click away because I need the pennies. There are no scams advertised here as far as I know and if there is one it will be removed immediately. Thanks for reading and visiting this site and please visit often. Maybe you will find a laugh or two.

This Memorial Day Weekend Take A Moment and Honor Our Fallen Heroes

Monday is Memorial Day in the United States, the day set aside to honor our fellow Americans who have given their lives fighting for the very thing we cherish the most, our freedom.


Sometimes its hard to take the time to reflect on what these brave Americans did for us. We get caught up in trying to make a living in this economy trying to get the kids to baseball practice and school functions. We are a busy society we always have places to go and things to do. Our generation I think lacks the appreciation of generations past. We have to be reminded because that's how good we have it
You get a three day weekend and you just want to relax spend some time on the water have a picnic or BBQ. You just want to kick it back for a few days. Spend some time with your family.

Right now there are two wars going on and there are people who have lost sons and daughters, husbands and wives, Fathers and Mothers and sisters and brothers. These people have lost someone who made the ultimate sacrifice for us. I know its hard to remember when we have Congressman like Democrat Jack Murtha call our soldiers and Marines Murderers and Democrat Senator John Kerry refer to them as terrorists or Democrats Senator Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi declare defeat in the middle of a war. Even our Democrat President the Chosen one, Barrak Hussein Obama claimed they were just over and I quote "just air-raiding villages and ... that's right...bombing civilians and air raiding villages"
This is when you should thank the families of the people who gave so much for us because they loved our country so much as to give their life for it. Many many have fought and died for the United States of America and the heroes of past wars and conflicts seem to be quickly forgotten as some in this country would like to rewrite history. These were the Men and Woman who fought to preserve our way of life our Freedom our Country.
There is nothing as a people that makes Americans different Then the rest of the world.
We all have the same DNA We all climbed out of the same Primordial Slime. Yet Americans in a matter of 200 + years became the most powerful, richest, and generous people on the face of the Earth. We have lost many so that others may also live free. We have the highest standard of living in the history of the world. Our poor people are the fattest richest poor people in the world. What made us different was our Freedom, Our Liberty, Our ability to pursue our happiness and enjoy our God given rights. People come here everyday legally and illegally risking everything they have trying to be part of the American dream.
Over our short History as a Country, Men and Woman have been willing to die for that Freedom and to make sure we had that Liberty and Freedom. That makes the United States of America the Greatest Country on Earth.
So take a moment this weekend to make sure your children know what Memorial Day means. I doubt if the Public schools teach them the meaning. Reflect on the Cost that was paid by many many men and woman and families so that we could live in a Free America. Remember what they gave. Its hard to realize that they did it for all of us.
Proudly Fly your Flags and honor your fallen Heroes, for they deserve to be honored. They died for us to keep us safe and to keep us Free.

Grow Houses Make Good Neighbors

First of all Some of you may not know what a grow house is even though they make the news all the time now and Palm Bay has had its fair share. A grow house is a house that is basically set up in side to grow marijuana. The out side looks like a regular house and that is what might be appealing to have one next to yours. I know its illegal and when they get caught the people get carted away to the Crowbar Hotel But they make for mighty fine neighbors in Palm Bay. Let me explain
They keep these houses looking good. The lawns are mowed and yards well kept unlike some of the other houses in my vicinity you know the ones that have an air boat on the front lawn or a Monster Truck parked in the front yard or maybe the one with nine cars parked out front. there are no transmissions or broken down riding lawn mowers leaking oil all the way down the driveway no major appliances on the side of the house rusting away. They don't have dogs barking at all hours or dogs that are tied up in the backyard 24-7 with empty water bowls in the heat of summer. No little rug rats screaming no teenagers stealing your stuff out of the garage. You don't have to listen to the couples fight screaming at each other in English, Spanish or any other language. There are no trash cans left out front for the entire week, no trash in the front yard not even a few weeks worth of the Hometown News or other free newspapers in pretty yellow plastic bags stacking up in the driveway. In fact you hardly ever see anybody there at all and there is hardly ever any lights on. You convince your self they just work nights and keep to themselves. The foil over the windows is to save on electricity and keep the light out after all they must be day sleepers. There are no goats or chickens in the backyard No cats burying their shit in your flower beds. No dead cars, pieces of cars, boats or trailers in the back yard or side of the house. No loud parties no squealing tires or Air boat motors cranked up. No Harley Davidson motorcycles thundering away at 6:00AM. No ATVs No four wheelers and No dirt bikes tearing thru the empty lots. No Boom Boom car stereos shaking your house rattling the china cabinet. No, What you have are the perfect neighbors . Nice well kept House and nice yard and peace and quiet. The only problem is they are growing wacky weed inside. You would never know it though. You have just nice quiet neighbors who are never there and take care of the place.
Then the cops come, the residents were using way too much electricity or something else and they bust the place and it seems that it is run by some Cubans from Miami They have houses all over the county and state. The people go to Jail and the place goes to hell again. But the law is the law and growing weed is a crime, but damn it was nice while it lasted.

Schools Almost Out For Summer

Schools almost out for summer. In Palm Bay that means be sure to get an alarm system or a dog for your house or be safe and get both. There is really not much for kids to do around Palm Bay. I guess they could go to the Majors and play some golf at least that is what the City envisioned. There are no longer any movie theaters in town. The Pool at BCC is open and might be fun. There are two very cool skateboard parks in our town which will be a topic of another blog entry soon.

If you want to go to the Beach and enjoy the beautiful beaches of Brevard County you can always ride the bus, In the Summer, Space Coast Area Transit travels to destinations frequented by young people such as movie theaters, libraries, beaches, recreation centers, malls and bowling alleys. The beach is a popular destination they even let you bring your surfboard if your heading for the Beach.

Now this time of year when the Palm Bay Youth start heading to the beach on the Bus it brings them to Indiatlantic by the sea to the 5th ave. boardwalk and the people in Indiatlantic by the sea to be honest, do not like the fact that Bus loads of Palm Bay Youth are coming to their beaches. They have complained and can you blame them? They just don't want their beach side teens mingling with our Palm Bay kids. But who are they going to buy their drugs from. Imagine if they began to breed. We are the other side of the tracks to those people. The only black people over there have lawn equipment in the back of their trucks. And the only Hispanics are cleaning their houses. They venture over here only to work, or to watch their kids at a High School Football game, Soccer tournament or other function. Then they hurry back beach side with the windows up and the doors locked. They breathe a great sigh of relief once their SUV makes it over the causeway and they are safe and sound.
I still think we should charge a toll to come over here and work. They sure as hell charge us to go to the beach, there are parking meters all over 5th ave boardwalk. Not to mention all of the money that goes to restore the sand on the beach that is just going to wash away again.
So school is almost out, another week to go. The Palm Bay youth Will run wild, and hopefully no teenage daughters in Indiatlantic by the sea will be impregnated by our fine Palm Bay sons and it will be a safe fun summer for everybody.

My Jamaican Neighbors Have a Goat

I have some neighbors here in beautiful Southwest Palm Bay that are Jamaicans. Oliver and Rose. They have a couple of Goats in their backyard. plus a couple of human kids. It doesn't really bother me because the goats are a lot quieter then the Red Necks pit bulls down the street. I guess they get milk from these goats then eventually eat em up and get a new one. Every so often he has one hanging from a tree in the backyard and he is cutting away.
We are not zoned agriculture or anything its just a regular old shitty Palm Bay neighborhood with Caribbean immigrants that keep a couple of goats and some chickens.
It has gotten to the point that it really isn't that unusual for residents to have livestock or chickens running around their back yards. After all this is Palm Bay and I don't live in Bay Side. With today's economy it makes damn good sense.
It freaks my kids out when they slaughter these animals and then stop by with a plate of curried goat meat. Trying to be a good neighbor I have to accept but it is a little creepy. Hey thanks for the bowl of goat was this the guy I saw you chasing down the street last week ? Is this the one that got loose? Ya Mon that be him that is why he is in the bowl brother. Have some peas and rice Mon. All I could do in return was run an extension cord over there after the last hurricane.
With the up coming Caribbean Festival on the way I wonder which one is going to get it next?
I guess goats are a big part of Jamaicans lives and it really isn't that unusual for families to have goats. They get milk and meat and their backyard is mowed for free. Why I bet there may be one or two over there in Madalyn Landings Apartments.

Mayor Mazziotti Welcomes the New York Migration

Mr. Mayor or John as you like to be called why are you so bent on bringing Yankee ways to Palm Bay? I know you think that we southerners are as you say Mr.Mayor "Red Necks" at least that's what you have been quoted as saying. Most of the problems in Florida were brought here by Yankees like your self. Us Red Necks were down here enjoying the sunny weather excellent fishing and pristine beaches. What happened was all the Northerners came down. Developing the hell out of the place. Why is it that when people from up North leave their "home" because they have had it with the High Taxes, crowded areas and cold weather and the first thing they do besides bitch about the bugs, is they want to change this place into what they left up North. More than 300,000 people moved from New York to Florida from 1995 to 2000 alone, the largest state-to-state migration in the nation. Census figures show another 500,000 came from Connecticut, Massachusetts, Michigan, New Jersey, Ohio and Pennsylvania. Palm Bay is starting to resemble New York South and the Mayor seems to like it. But not only are the Northerners moving down here, some how they are also moving up from down south. I know it sounds weird but Palm Bay has many south FL transplants with New York accents. Their kids have never lived in new york but yet there they are, Yankee hats on sideways boxers up pants down Yo Yo whats going on.


We have all of these budget problems. WE have to pass referendums to save ourselves. Just a few years ago Mayor John left the Hardware business and was out selling houses to Northerners and damn proud of it. Mazziotti expected 4,000 new homes in 2005 alone. Well here we are 4 years later and are you surprised we have the problems we do. How Many permit fees were collected? While you and the City Fathers were busy with Bay Side, seems to me like you just ignored the rest of town. Sounds like some piss poor planning. All of that cash was just a rolling in off of the Real Estate Bubble. But it popped! Things were looking good there for a while wasn't it. Talk of bringing a Minor League Baseball team into town, a New Mall across from the Auto Zone on Malabar Road, perhaps even an arena and all kinds of other good stuff. Do you know what I see on that part of Malabar Road two lanes merging into one and a bunch of assholes from NY not letting people Merge or they are trying to cut into traffic.
I don't like the fact Mr. Mayor, that you think it is cool that Palm Bay was becoming like New York south. You welcomed the migration with open arms, dollar signs dancing in your eyes. You were loving it. Just like back in Brooklyn. So what did we get from it? Where are the benefits? Looks to me like we got more problems then we had before.


This is not New York it ain't New Jersey Ohio or Massachusetts.
Ted Kennedy is not our Senator and Barney Frank isn't our congressman. The Indian River is not the Great South Bay and the beach side is not Jones Beach on Long Island. Show the place some respect. If you do not like it here, and you hate the low wages, Red Necks, 99% humidity, 100 degree days, afternoon thunderstorms with lots of lightning, lizards, the mosquitoes, Hurricanes, Our crappy sports teams, old people and you think to yourself often "that's not how we do it up North." Leave! Please feel free to leave. The Interstate that brought you South also goes North. You brag about how you sold your place in Babylon for $700 thousand and you only paid One Hundred, so then take the loss here in Palm Bay. Go back up there, the prices came way down up there since you left. You can have it all again. The Yankees, The Giants, The Jets, The Mets, Good Pizza, real hot dogs, Chuck Schumer and real high taxes. When it gets real cold and miserable come on down for a visit, bring the kids to Disney World. Then Go home And take your brothers in law Tony and Donny back up with you. They left a big ass mess next to the bridge at Turkey Creek Park while fishing and there was a trash can not twenty feet from where they were fishing.

Road Side Trash

I know the City is so worried about it's image that it has a crew pulling up Garage Sale signs every Saturday . You can pull up as many signs as you want and how about pulling down those vote yes on May 12 signs they are still hanging all over the place. The fact is there is garbage everywhere in Palm Bay. You can not drive down a street off of Jupiter or Garvy or Elderon without seeing garbage strewn down the side of the road. Mostly fast food bags with the wrappers cups. Beer cans and bottles and a little of everything else. Whats the matter you don't want your Mommy or you spouse to know you pigged out at Mickey Ds or are you just so damn lazy you throw the shit out the window in your own neighborhood before you get home. The same thing at the beach or the islands in the river garbage everywhere. Take your trash with you slobs.Is it that difficult. Its probably the offspring of the same pigs that leave dirty diapers in the parking lot at Winn Dixie or WalMart. Have you ever looked out the window when your waiting for a traffic light at any major Palm Bay intersection I guess the whole world is your ashtray, there are literally thousands of cigarette butts on the road and median.
Several years ago beer cans started piling up on the side of the road near my house. Everyday a new tall Bud can in a brown bag was added to the growing number of scattered cans. One day by chance I saw an empty fly out of the window of a City Gas truck. The guy lived right around the corner from me I knew him though not very well but I knew where he lived. I guess he did not want his wife to know he was tossing back a cold one everyday on the way home from work. Maybe he needed it to deal with the old lady before he got home, but it really pissed me off. What a dick. I gathered up all the cans, probably 25 to 30 and some other trash and dumped them on his driveway that evening and tossed a few in the bed of his truck. He got the message and stopped doing it and I know he knows it was me that did it. If I find the little A hole who throws the McDonalds bags out the window. I will do the same thing to you. You Freakin slob.